Monday, April 5

I Coulda Been An Item in the Police Blotter

Sometime last week or so I came across this item in Police Blotter:
Theft. A 69-year-old man from the XXXXX block of Xth Street, XXXX called police to report that about five or six years ago his neighbor was coming to his home to hypnotize him. According to police reports, the man alleges that while he was under hypnosis, the neighbor stole his valuable coins and sold them to a coin dealer in Anoka. The man says the neighbor also orders books and has them delivered to him, but he returns them. The man called police back a short time later and wanted to withdraw the complaint because he fears the suspect has connections to the mafia.

I will admit to possibly laughing a little bit at first, but then I remembered that the guy who called is someones brother, father, son, cousin..(the neighbor who is ordering books and not getting them) and those people have to deal with this kind of thing and I felt sorry for them and everyone involved.

Maybe I was more sympathetic than most because my mom used to deal with me....

When I was about 10 years old my mother decided that I was old enough to be in charge of my sister when she wasn't home. Those weren't her exact words, but I understood her intent. I was 10, my sister wasn't; my mom was going to her bowling league and she had not hired a babysitter.

Clearly I was now IN CHARGE!


I took my duties very seriously making sure that my sister didn't stick knives in electrical outlets or play with matches. Never mind that she wasn't all THAT much younger than me....I was still IN CHARGE! So I hid all the butter knives* and matches.

I took to ordering my sister around quite well (my children have told me on many occasions that I still exhibit this talent frequently) so nobody was surprised when I thought the best thing to do would be to show how good I was at being In Charge by putting us both to bed long before our regularly appointed bedtimes. I've always been a gifted persuader of people so I was able to get my sister to play along without having to resort to violence.

That's when the real trouble started.

The house seemed darker than normal without an adult around so we left a light on for Mom.
It also seemed a lot quieter without Mom watching the news in the family room so we put the television on so the dog wouldn't be lonely.
Wind makes a lot of noise.

Noises that sound a lot like burglars trying to get in the house to to steal important stuff like the television or that stereo with the 8-track player we got when Mom bought a certificate of deposit at the bank in town.

There were no cell phones back then so I quietly crept down the hall to our only phone to call for help.

Bowling Alley Lady:"Bowling Alley"

Me: (spoken very quietly) I need to talk to my mom.

BAL: "Who's your mom honey?"

Me: Jane Doe
(note: this is not my moms real name, I'm protecting her identity by not causing undue embarrassment here. Also its best she not remember this "episode" or it may reflect poorly on the inheritance)

BAL: "Jane Doe you've got a phone call"
(Wow, she sounded kinda mad all of a sudden)

Jane Doe: "Hello"
(note the tone in her voice, it's one of irritation)
(maybe because we already called a few times about things like the best way to settle a dispute over whose glass has more pop in it or just how long I had to suffer through that stupid show my sister is allowed to watch because when we called about it Jane Doe said I had to let her)
(these incidents may have actually led to the brilliant idea to go to bed early so as not to incur the wrath that was surely headed our way)

Me: "I think someone is trying to break into the house"

JD: "Eye Roll"
Now, she didn't say that but I KNOW that's what she did because it was followed by...


What happened after is neither here nor there other than it involved a phone call (from me) to the people next door who obviously loved me more than Jane Doe because they came over to check out the strange noise we were hearing (a shrub rubbing on the siding) and then stayed until Jane Doe came home from bowling so the burglars wouldn't come back....
and so I wouldn't call the police.

*If you REALLY wanna see Jane Doe pissed off, hide all her butter knives and forget to tell her what you did with them. Or why.
I do suggest you not forget where you put them.


Anonymous said...

Wind can make very scary noises. I called the police once because I thought there was someone in our yard trying to break in the house. Turned out to be the wind blowing a trash can around. But it was 3 in the morning and I was 9.5 months pregnant (that's why I was awake at 3 a.m.) and the police were very nice about it.

You should have called the police. They would have been nicer than Jane Doe.

Chris said...

So... were you the babysitter again, or did she hire it done the next time?

Jeanne said...

The things I missed out on being an only child.

Unknown said...

This is hysterical! I may or may not have tied my brother to a chair once while babysitting. In my defense, I let him go! That would be how our Jane Doe got the call at work that tattled on me. If he had just not been so annoying I would have never done it.

Unknown said...

ROFL! When hubby and I were first married we lived in a tiny mobile home surrounded by trees. He was away at school one October when I woke up to the power being out and someone walking on the roof of the mobile home. As I crawled down the hall to get a kitchen knife they rattled the door handle. I called the police, sick with fear, only to be told that it had snowed during the night. The sounds were snow falling off the trees onto the roof then sliding down over the door handle. The police were very nice, even sent a car to make sure all was well.

KinnicChick said...

Totally unrelated... because I do not want to speak of these things related to my own past (love that you hid the butter knives, btw) and it is giving me terrible flashbacks...

Loved Evan's dance last night.

My word verification? STABbrom Kind of funny.

Anonymous said...

I laughed until I cried. I love blog writers, each and every one of you! Thanks!

Luna said...

Great story! I, too, think it's great that you hid the butter knives! I'm sure Jane Doe thought it was hysterical too... four or five years later.

hillary said...

That totally sounds like something I would've done. Too funny.

N said...

We just hid the good scissors at our house!

My dad was a firefighter for 25 years and in my younger, having babysitter days, when dad was on-call and had to go into the station, our phone would start ringing, one long, non-stopping ring. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGG.. Until you picked up the phone and a recorded voice would tell my dad where to report. Still. Creeeeepy.

Yea, our babysitters didn't watch creepy movies at our house.